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|SAM interviews MECHA BLOOPER
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|Author:||Sam [ Wed Nov 05, 2014 1:55 pm ]|
|Post subject:||SAM interviews MECHA BLOOPER|
(Want to get into that Lemmy's Land Spirit? Listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edcgx4SluFs)
Somewhere in the deep blue sea, a Mega Unagi is swimming around merrily, having had a good meal consisting of various sailors, a pirate crew, Sam, and their ships. From within the belly of the beast, Sam is getting to meet the rest of the enormous eel's victims as we speak...
Sam: Well you know what? I'm glad Mega Unagi swallowed you guys, it sure beats having to die alone!
The other survivors just glare at him.
Sam: Oops, uh... I didn't mean it like that, I swear!
Pianta Sailor: Yeah, yeah, I'm pretty sure you do.
Sam glances over his shoulder and shudders as he notices a couple of Dry Bones sitting around and drinking what appears to be glasses of old Chuckola Cola.
Sam: I take it this guy's been on the hunt for a while, eh?
Pianta Sailor: Yep! In fact, my crew and I were sent to hunt down the great beast, but the great brute proved too clever for us and... well, you see.
Sam: Interesting. Pirates! How did you guys get swallowed up?
Shy Guy Pirate Captain: Well ye see, whenever the boys an' I were out on a raid a few days ago, we happened to steal a cannon from the ship we plundered! So I decided ta test out the cannon by seein' how far the cannonballs it shot could travel! Unfortunately, I didn't consider the fact that a Mega Unagi was goin' to surface right in the ball's path, and I'm sure ye see where 'tis be going.
Sam: Yep. The Unagi swallowed you and left you to an ARGonizing death!
Sam strikes a comedic pose while a rim-shot can be heard from nowhere. The Shy Guy pirates are not amused.
Sam: ...Look, it's been more than a day since I've last had something to eat or drink, okay? I'm kinda light-headed.
Cheep-Cheep: Need food and drink, you say?
Sam: Yes! Have you got any?
Cheep-Cheep: Of course we do! Hey Mecha Blooper, you still got any of those sunken rations with you?
Mecha Blooper: Affirmative! Catch these if you can, Shy Guy!
The Mecha Blooper uses his body like a catapult to toss a brown bag filled with a few wrapped pieces of tough meat called “CRAM” as well as two water bottles.
Sam: Oh, thank you! Divines bless your kind heart!
Sam devours the cram and gulps down the water with glee.
Sam: WHOO! Now my head's screwed back on straight... and we're still gonna die.
Sam curls up onto a patch of broken wood into a fetal position while the survivors look on.
Pianta Sailor: Hey chum, you think we're any happier about this? Look, how's about you take my advice and do something that you normally like doing in here! It might get your mind off of the... inevitable.
Sam: Well... I do like to interview people.
Goomba Sailor: Wait a second... aren't you Sam, that Shy Guy on TV who's been interviewing people?
Sam: YEAH! I take it you're a fan?
Goomba Sailor: Yeah, I actually am! In fact, the last thing I watched before leaving to get swallowed was a taped recording of you and that Bandit guy interviewing the Shadow Queen! It was so funny, man! So how'd you get in here anyway?
Sam: It started as a simple Isle Delfino cruise, but a giant Blooper capsized the ship and I ended up getting eaten a day later while lost at sea! Let me tell you, I'm never traveling across the sea ever again!
Goomba Sailor: Aw man, that sure is rough! But you know what? I totally wouldn't mind seeing one of your interviews live if you know what I'm saying!
Sam: Whoo! So uh, yeah! You guys all heard that I assume? I'm a semi-pro interviewer, so if anyone doesn't mind me asking some questions, feel free to let me know and I'll totally interview you to pass the time!
Mecha Blooper: Ah, I would indeed like to be interviewed!
Sam: Well isn't that awesome? Well Mecha Blooper, how's about you come on over and sit across from me?
Mecha Blooper: Sir, us Mecha Bloopers do not possess the capability to sit down! Do our bodies look compatible with the action of sitting down?
Sam: ..good point. Just... drift over there I guess, and we'll get started in a moment anyway!
Sam: Coming to you loud and proud from inside a Mega Unagi, heeeeeeeeere's me! Man, it feels weird to be the announcer for once... but anyway, how do you do, fellow survivors?
Pianta Sailor: A bit nervous, actually.
Shy Guy Captain: A wee bit annoyed.
Cheep-Cheep: I don't wanna die!
Sam: Well guys, I'm here to get all of our minds off of that because today, I've got a guest you guys may all know and love: Mecha Blooper, one of us fellow survivors! Give him a round of applause!
The audience gives Mecha Blooper a decent amount of applause as his eyes light up with what is presumably joy.
Mecha Blooper: It does me a great pleasure to serve, Sam. What all do you wish to know about me?
Sam: Alright ya bucket of bolts, who is your creator in the first place?
Mecha Blooper: I didn't really have a “creator” per-se, my kind are mass-produced in a factory over in the Beanbean Kingdom, which is where we'll usually be found assuming we don't decide to wander like I did.
Sam: So for what purpose were you guys created?
Mecha Blooper: Our purpose is to patrol the Oho Ocean and the surrounding waters to keep the Beanbean Kingdom safe from external threats! We see any ship that doesn't give us a positive I.D, we blow them away and send them to Jaydes, ha ha!
Sam: So I take it that you saw Mario and Luigi as threats to the Beanbean Kingdom's security and that's why you attacked them?
Mecha Blooper: Unfortunately no! Sometime before the brothers arrived, that dastardly hag Cackletta came and messed with the creation process at the assembly line and had my newly-created brothers in arms set to search for and destroy any brothers wearing red and green! Luckily, I was produced before that incident so I never went toe to toe with them!
Sam: I take it you guys weren't designed with the laws of robotics in mind, weren't ya?
Mecha Blooper: Is any robot really designed to follow them nowadays?
Sam: Ha ha, doesn't seem like it! So I'm pretty curious: The Bullet Bills you guys shoot are pretty big, yet you seem to have a never-ending supply in your body. So where do those Bills come from?
Mecha Blooper: Hammerspace my friend! Lots and lots of hammerspace.
Sam: Alright, now that's a cop-out and you know it.
Mecha Blooper: Just a joke, my humor processors are getting a bit rusty nowadays. If you want the real explanation, these bullets start off around the same size as a bite-sized candy! Whenever we use up our initial five Bullet Bills, our body produces a lot of internal heat that causes the Bullet Bills to expand as ready-to-use ammo!
Sam: I knew there was a real explanation! So how many Bullet Bills do you carry at a time?
Mecha Blooper: Around 200! When we run out, we report back to base for a refill!
Sam: You know, I never really asked this to the one underwater dweller I interviewed in the past: do you like living underwater? I find it really beautiful myself, though it's full of pants-wettingly terrifying creatures like this Mega Unagi which make me want to explore it less and less.
Mecha Blooper: It's quite boring to tell the truth. I for one would love to visit the surface world and do whatever it is you land-dwellers do! You see, unlike the surface, it looks pretty much the same everywhere underwater.
Sam: Now that is interesting! I assume you have free will, right?
Mecha Blooper: Indeed I do! Remember, we weren't created with the Laws of Robotics in mind.
Sam: So why haven't you gone on land?
Mecha Blooper: I was going to! But well... look around you.
Sam: Ah, so that's what got you chomped up.
Mecha Blooper: Sad sight, I know.
Sam: Yeah... so anyway! You say that you would like to go on land, right? Well, do you have any places in mind that you want to visit?
Mecha Blooper: Well, I hear that the Acorn Plains look lovely during this time of year! Ooh, and I have always been fascinated by the kingdom of Pipe Maze as well, I could spend all day traveling around those fantastic pipe structures! And if I can somehow secure a ticket, I would also love to ride the Excess Express and visit the classy town of Poshley Heights!
Sam: Oh man, all of those are great choices! I'm surprised you don't want to go to Glitzville, that place is fantastic, and it's always fun to catch a fight or two while you're there!
Mecha Blooper: Eh, I am not the type for mindless violence myself.
Sam: You're not? But you spoke fondly about serving the Beanbean Kingdom by destroying external threats!
Mecha Blooper: That violence has a purpose though, as it is out of protection. Violence for no real reason other than entertainiment however is trashy. I just left the Beanbean Kingdom because it was boring.
Sam: Alright, so I've got one more question, and we'll see if any of these lucky gentlemen have anything to ask you: what fuel source do you run on in the first place?
Mecha Blooper: We run on a bean juice system! You know, since my kind were made by the Beanish. Thankfully, there tend to be a lot of beans on the floor of Oho Ocean, so we can stay energized as long as we can find and extract them!
Sam: So uh, what were you going to use as a replacement in the Mushroom Kingdom? Beans aren't anywhere near as common here.
Mecha Blooper: Actually, they're still plenty there if you have played Mario and Luigi: Partners in Time! You just need to search harder than you would if you were in the Beanbean Kingdom.
Sam: Oh yeah, I totally forgot about that! So anyway, I think I've asked enough questions, so how's about we move on to the audience questions! Seat... GREENPIRATESHYGUYONWOODENCRATE.
Green Shy Guy Pirate: Oh, you talkin' 'bout me? Well uh... I got nothin'.
Sam: Then why did you raise your hand in the first place?
GSGP: I wasn't, I was just stretching!
Sam: *sigh* Well that was a waste of time! Seat STARKISSONINNERTUBE.
Starkiss: Do you happen to have a... special someone?
Mecha Blooper: No, not really. If anything, the land is my special someone!
Sam: Now that's pretty profound. Seat PIANTASAILORDRINKINGCHUCKOLACOLA.
Pianta Sailor: Man, what's with all these long-winded, twisted seat names?
Sam: Sorry, I'm not sure what to do outside of the studio! Just ask a question, please!
Pianta Sailor: Sorry about that. So have you ever had to... you know, use force on anyone?
Mecha Blooper: No I haven't! No real threats ever came my way that made me feel the need to fire at them.
Sam: Alright, seat SHYGUYPIRATECAPTAINONDRIFTWOOD.
Shy Guy Pirate Captain: Ye'd best answer me well an' good ye smelly landlubber: ye have any idea where I'd be able to find some spare treasure in this ocean?
Sam: Treasure? We're going to die inside this Eel!
Shy Guy Pirate Captain: You don't know that.
Mecha Blooper: Anyway, no, I don't. Sorry!
Shy Guy Pirate Captain: If I had a plank, ye'd be walkin' it posthaste!
Sam: Anyway, time for the last question: Seat CHEEPCHEEPDOINGNOTHING.
Cheep Cheep: Ice Cream, or Fruit Smoothies?
Mecha Blooper: Neither! Straight bean fuel trumps all!
Sam: So that's it for today, I guess! I hope all of you had a wonderful time during our itnerview, and Mecha Blooper, you were a wonderful host!
Mecha Blooper: Thank you good sir! Though unfortunately, nothing much about our predicament has changed.
Sam: Yeah, I know! I guess doing that interview to get people's minds off of their impending doom was impossible anyway... wait a minute, why haven't you blasted that thing's uvula?! I mean, your Bulet Bills are right there inside, waiting to be fired!
Mecha Blooper: Well, remember how I mentioned that my humor processors were rusty? They're not the only thing that's rusty.
True enough, Mecha Blooper's Bullet Bills are fused to his body via a thick layer of rust.
Sam: Oh come on! Ugh... but what about the rest of you? Why haven't you done anything such as toss things at this Mega Unagi's uvula instead?
Pianta Sailor: Hey, we've already tried! If it worked, we'd be long gone by now you know! That thing's uvula is just pretty sturdy, it would take a direct hit from a forceful explosive like Mecha Blooper's Bullet Bills to get us coughed up!
Sam: Ugh, we're so screwed if we can't get out! Hmm... have you guys tried the Heimlich Maneuver?
Everyone just stares blankly at Sam while crickets chirp.
Pianta Sailor: You've got to be kidding me.
Sam: No, I'm not! You see, when I was a teeny-tiny little Shy Guy living over in Shy Guy's Toybox, my dad had a favorite saying that always stuck with me: When in doubt, Heimlich it out! Come on, give it a try!
Mecha Blooper: But I have no lungs, nor am I soft enough to squeeze without permanently damaging me! It will not work Sam, and I am sorry to have to say that.
Sam: You don't know. Come on, just give it a try?
Pianta Sailor: No, it's stupid.
Sam: COME ON! I know I'm not the only one who misses the sun! Just try once, okay?
Pianta: …you know what? I suppose I ought to humor you. Alright Mecha Blooper, come here, you!
Mecha Blooper: If this causes permanent damage, I swear I will- oh wait, we're doomed if it doesn't work so me hurting you would do no good. You can try, I guess!
The Pianta Sailor grabs Mecha Blooper and holds him upside down. Taking a deep breath, he begin to press his arms underneath Mecha Blooper's mouthpiece rhythmically. As seconds go by, bits of rust are seen scattering to the ground as this goes on.
Pianta Sailor; This is stupid! I give up, I'm so sorry.
Sam: No wait, keep going! I see rust flaking off!
Mecha Blooper: I can feel my Bullet Bills loosening as well! Keep on going!
Pianta Sailor: Really? Well I'll be! Freedom, here we come!
The Pianta Sailor speeds up the rate of his compressions which causes the rust to flake off quickly. Soon, the entire layer has been dissipated and all five Bullet Bills fire out of Mecha Blooper at high speed and ram the Mega Unagi's uvula. Giving a pained scream, Mega Unagi vomits up all the seawater, debris, and people it swallowed back into the sea. Coughing and gagging, the monster turns around and quickly swims away.
Sam: We... WE DID IT!
Mecha Blooper: So you were right all along! Oh happy day!
Shy Guy Pirate Captain: HAR HAR! And look over there! Land, ho!
The Shy Guy Captain points towards the town of Mushroom Bridge, which is close enough to swim to.
Sam: Talk about convenient! Come on guys, let's get out of here!
After about five minutes, Sam and the rest of the gang make it to shore.
Mecha Blooper: Land, sweet sweet land! I hate to run, but I have got a whole bunch of land to see! Thank you for your help, Sam! I hope we bump into each other again!
Pianta Sailor: You know kid, you aren't as dumb as I thought you were. Good job, and I will see you... maybe later, maybe not. I know for sure though that I'm not going back to sea for a looooong time.
Sam: Ha ha, I feel you! Take care now!
As the rest of the survivors of Mega Unagi's gullet go their separate ways, Sam notices a passing Koopa talking into a cellphone.
Sam: Oh, that's right! I ought to call Geoff so he'll know I'm safe and sound!
Sam tackles the Koopa and steals his phone, hanging up before dialing Geoff's number.
Sam: Wait, you'll get it back shortly!
The phone rings a bit, until Geoff picks it up. For some reason, Sam can hear Body Rock from Warioware D.I.Y on the other end.
Geoff: The fantastic Geoff here, what do ya want lucky caller?
Sam: Geoff, I'm so sorry I haven't come back yet!
Geoff: Sam? Hey, you're finally back, aren't ya?! Let me tell you, you've got a lotta 'splainin' to do! You missed two interviews and aerobics day!
True to Geoff's word, Wizenheimer, Polly, Sergei, Lee, and Marie are all in work-out clothing moving to the music playing from a boom box.
Sam: Look, you remember that cruise to Isle Delfino you sent me on?
Geoff: Yeah. What ya got comfy and decided to stay longer?
Sam: Well, you see-
Geoff: Aw, Sam! If ya wanted to stay longer you should've told me! I definitely would've let ya stay!
Sam: But that's not-
Geoff: No need to lie, Sam! I mean sure, I'd have fired ya, but I'd unfire youright back! Look, I'm not holding it against you, but you need to do an interview by yourself to make up for playing hooky!
Sam: But I already did one just a little earlier! I-
Geoff: No buts, buddy! Tomorrow you're doin' a solo interview, Principal's orders! Now skedaddle, I'm missing my workout!
Sam: But I-
Geoff hangs up.
Sam: Hoo boy. Well, it's nice to be back I suppose!
Sam begins to walk away so he can catch a bus to the studio, but soon notices a camera lying on the ground.
Sam: Oh hey, a camera! Someone left it running though!
Sam kicks the camera, shutting it off an ending the transmission.
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