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|WIZENHEIMER interviews ANTI GUY
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|Author:||Sam [ Sat Jun 13, 2015 8:38 pm ]|
|Post subject:||WIZENHEIMER interviews ANTI GUY|
(Want to get into that Lemmy's Land spirit? Listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oESlnJtSfP0)
The Party Wagon is parked over at a diner's parking lot over in Shroom Ridge. Inside, everyone is seated at a counter waiting for their orders while Geoff is staring at an Anti Guy seated at the other end of the restaurant by himself.
Geoff: Ooh, guys! Guys! Look over there!
Sam: At that Anti Guy? Why?
Geoff: I think we should interview him! An interview set in a nice homey diner... now wouldn't THAT be fun to watch?
Stuart: Oh, that would be quite fun indeed! But couldn't we at least wait until our orders arrive?
Sam: Like he said, I'm starving!
Geoff: Aw, come on!! It'll be loads of fun!
Sam: Sorry Geoff, but I'm too hungry to interview!
Geoff: No one said that you had to interview! Polly, look alive!
Polly glares at Geoff with enough force to singe his robes while her stomach growls loudly.
Geoff: Okay then... you're kinda scary when you're hungry. Wizenheimer, you're up!
Wizenheimer: Oh for Pete's sake boss, can't we hold off until we eat? And besides, I'm not in the mood today!
Geoff: Wizzie old boy, I'm not taking no for an answer! You haven't done a solo interview yet, so you HAVE to do this!
Wizenheimer: Now wait a second pal, I don't remember that ever being a rule!
Geoff: Oh but it is! And if you refuse, ya lose afternoon nap privileges!
Wizenheimer: Fine, fine, whatever ya say ya dirty scrub.
Geoff: Hey, don't talk back to me! Now, let's get everything situated. Marie, get your camera ready!
Marie: Okeydoke, boss!
Mr. Announcer: Coming to you loud and proud from inside of Diner 64, heeeeeeere's Wizenheimer!
Wizenheimer: Well good afternoon ladies and germs, I take it you're all having the time of your life chowing down on this place's grub, huh?
Geoff: Pst, get on with it, fatty!
Wizenheimer: Why you lousy- gah, whatever. Anyway, give a nice, warm welcome to our interviewee who very likely handed you your butts back in Paper Mario: Anti Guy!
Anti Guy: Well hello there, my pudgy friend!
Wizenheimer: I'm NOT that fat! Geez Louise, why do people keep saying that?!
Anti Guy: Because you are! <3
Wizenheimer: Alright, enough insults! So anyway Anti Guy, I've gotta say: by Paper Mario standards you have some ridiculous stats! 50 HP, 10 Attack... just how are you guys so strong, anyway?
Anti Guy: We were created that way! <3
Wizenheimer: Wait, created? You guys aren't a natural Shy Guy type?
Anti Guy: Nope! Ya see, Lord Bowser selected a few Shy Guys that he could bestow power from the Star Rod to, mainly because he thought that a super-powerful Shy Guy sounded hilarious! The Star Rod cranked our attack power to ludicrous levels, made us so much more resilient, and the results speak for themselves, don'tcha think? <3
Wizenheimer: Yup, I'd say so. So do you guys have any other techniques than dash attacks and flipping?
Anti Guy: Nope, that's all that most Anti Guys can do... though I DO know a few other techniques and even used them against Mario! Problem is, Nintendo didn't incorporate them into the game adaptation of that adventure because of both copyright reasons and difficulty reasons.
Wizenheimer: What do ya mean by that? What are these techniques you're alluding to?
Anti Guy: Watch and learn! <3
Wizenheimer: No, wait!
Anti Guy gets into a fighting stance and floats over to a nearby Koopa. When he touches the Koopa, everything goes black while a bunch of flashes are seen while the sounds of fists flying rapidly can be heard. After a few seconds Anti Guy can be seen facing away from the camera while a red kanji flashes on his back while the Koopa has been reduced to a pile of bones. Akuma from the Street Fighter games can be seen looking on proudly from a nearby booth.
Wizenheimer: Good gravy!
Anti Guy: Yep! Thanks to an eight-week video course, I have learned the basics of the Satsui no Hadou!
Wizenheimer: Sister Mary Francis, remind me to never make you angry!
Anti Guy: That's right! You don't wanna mess with me and that's a fact! <3
Wizenheimer: So, you mentioned fighting Mario, are you the Anti Guy he fought in Shy Guy's Toy Box?
Anti Guy: Yep!
Wizenheimer: So then, why weren't YOU the guy in charge of Shy Guy's Toy Box? I bet ya could crunch that tank of General Guy's into a tin can, or rip his head off and punt it around like a football! Why were ya lookin' after a badge in some random treasure chest?
Anti Guy: General Guy was sooooo scared of me, so he bribed me with half a piece of lemon candy to look after that chest and stay out of his way! I'd turn him inside out and run his army for him, but there's no saying no to lemon candy as I say!
Wizenheimer: Eh, it ain't that tasty. You want some good candy? Go buy some-
Geoff: Wherther's Originals?
Wizenheimer: ...you're not funny. Anyway, buy a Butterfinger or something, THOSE are good candies!
Anti Guy: You wanna question lemon candy, hmm? I take it you wanna mess with me? <3
Wizenheimer: Eep! No way, I was just trying to be nice, that's all!
Anti Guy: Hee hee, I thought so! <3
Wizenheimer: *Man, what a creep!* So, what's with your obsession with lemon candy? Are all Anti Guys in love with it?
Anti Guy: Nope! The boys back at Bowser's Castle were total clods who liked other, lesser foods. But lemon candy... oh dear, that sour tang and sweet sugary taste, that hard and crunchy exterior... oh it is SO heavenly I just can't put it in words! Let me tell you, one day before I became an Anti Guy and was just a lowly Shy Guy, a Koopa girl I was going steady with slipped me a piece of that stuff while I was sweeping the floors in Morton's bedroom as a fun little treat. I took one bite, and my life changed for the best... now I eat at least 79 pieces a day!
Wizenheimer: I can't tell if dentists would love you or hate you for that.
Anti Guy: Who needs a dentist anyway?
Wizenheimer: Eugh... but anyway, I've got two more questions and we're handin' ya over to the audience. Why don't ya guys show up in more Mario games? I'm sure that Bowser would make more use of you, or at least someone else would!
Anti Guy: Well, back when Lord Bowser had the Star Rod he only enchanted four Shy Guys meaning, of course, that there are only four of us: Myself and the three guys who make up the Anti Guy unit. After he lost the Star Rod, we decided to retire and do our own thing from there on out!
Wizenheimer: So what are ya up to these days?
Anti Guy: Taking on various fight clubs by storm, of course! I'm due for taking on the one here in Shroom Ridge tonight! <3
Wizenheimer: Alright, final question: did ya have any friends down in Shy Guy's Toy Box? You seemed like kind of a lone wolf, a single man if ya will!
Anti Guy: Most Shy Guys avoided me like the plague, mainly because they knew that they could die if I so much as sneezed on them! <3 But I did have several friends anyway: a Spy Guy and a Medi Guy would often hang out with me during our down period, and I talked to the Big Lantern Ghost who hung out there on a semi-regular basis. He's kinda creepy, but I like him for the most part! <3
Wizenheimer: Alrighty, audience questions!
Toad Waitress: Alright, Geoff's interview crew, I presume?
Sam: That's us!
Toad Waitress: Alright then, I have a Super Shroom burger, curly fries, and a medium banana shake for Sam, Fried Lil' Oink cutlets for Pol-
Polly grabs her food and begins to devour it.
Toad Waitress: ...I take it you guys are really hungry!
Wizenheimer: You betcha! Hey, we'll be right back after we get done eating, so hang on a minute!
Mr. Announcer: We'll be right back to Geoff's interview show, right after these messages!
Morton Koopa Jr: Greetings and salutations, all you beautiful people! Do you ever find yourself absolutely dumbstruck, mute, and perplexed during conversations with friends? Do you shirk at the thought of public speaking? Does giving a speech in class make you want to scream and perish where you stand? Well fret no more, comrades! For I, Morton Koopa Jr. of the royal Koopa family am more than willing to assist you in your endeavors! For the measly, paltry sum of 45 pieces of gold you too can have a wide vocabulary like myself! You will flabbergast your dear friends, amaze your relatives all after watching my language tapes, and reading my Morton approved Thesauruses! And if you call in the next ten minutes, you'll get all items half off! So call RIGHT NOW, and build up your vocabulary to stupendous, grandiose levels!
Announcer: This message was approved by Morton Koopa Jr. And now, back to our scheduled program!
Sam: Whoo! We're back, guys!
Wizenheimer: Hey Sam, chill out will ya? I'm doing the interviewing around here!
Sam: Sorry. Heh heh...
Wizenheimer: Anyway, dinner was amazing, I tell ya! I need to remember this place and its honey-mustard fried shrooms...
Anti Guy: And try the lemon candy burger! It's scrumptious! <3
Wizenheimer: Yeah... of course it is. Anyway, I suppose we should get started with audience questions and hit the road! Seat BOOINABOOTH!
Bootler: Oh dear, you are referring to me, I assume? Hmm... did the process that transformed you into an Anti Guy dye your robes and mask?
Anti Guy: Nope! <3 My robes remained yellow and my mask was still white after the process, Bowser simply had new robes and masks commissioned by a royal tailor in order to show off our newfound deadliness! <3
Wizenheimer: Seat OLDCOOTEATINGCHEESEFRIES!
Kroop: Oh, is that me, sonny?
Wizenheimer: Yeah, we don't have formal seats so I'm improvising. Now speak, ya crusty fossil, or I shall transform you into a yodeling toad! Do ya wanna be a yodeling toad? HUH?!
Kroop: No need to yell, sonny! No need to yell at all! So uh... Ant Man?
Anti Guy: Anti Guy. <3
Kroop: Oh pardon me, Ant Man! So anyway, how does such a tiny feller like yourself stay so chipper and happy? It makes an old-timer like me jealous, ho ho!
Anti Guy: I'm one of the most powerful beings in existence. Why wouldn't I be always happy? <3
Wizenheimer: Good point, I guess.
Exor crashes through the ceiling and into a booth, somehow not killing anyone.
Exor: I rushed in here when I heard that there would be audience questions! Am I late?
Toad Waitress: Good gravy, you destroyed the ceiling and part of the floor!
Wizenheimer: Cool your jets, lady. I'll fix things up after we're done. Anyway, your question, big guy?
Exor: Oh yes, have you had thoughts about becoming a fighter at the Glitz Pit?
Anti Guy: Oh yeah! I wanna head on over there someday for sure! But for now, I'm focused on getting into Smash Bros, so vote for me, kiddies! Get me into Smash Bros as DLC and there shall be lemon candy for everyone! <3 Or pain, lots and lots of pain! <3
Wizenheimer: Last question! Seat IDIEDEARLIER.
Dry Bones: Hey, you killed me!
Anti Guy: Indeed I did. Ask a question, or I'll do it again. <3
Dry Bones: Can Yoshi's eat you guys as easily as they would with other Shy Guys?
Anti Guy: Nope! A Yoshi tried eating me soon after I left the Toy Box. My flavor was so strong that he died the minute his tongue touched me. <3
Wizenheimer: Aaaaaaand that's a wrap! Now, let's get on out of here. Smell ya later, audience guys! And Anti Guy, I hope I never run into you on a bad day!
Anti Guy: No day is bad when lemon candy is involved! <3
Wizenheimer: Yeah... alrighty guys, we're done. What's next on the list?
Sam: Ooh! Polly and I booked an interview right in Plumpbelly Village! We're due for an interview with Jerry, the cherry Bob-Omb who joined Luigi!
Geoff: Whoo! Now THAT is an obscure character! Way to go for nailing someone that small-time!
Marie: Oops, sorry guys! I've gotta end the transmission...
Marie tries to reel in the camera, but her wrist slips and she ends up casting it into a deep fryer. The camera is fried to a golden-brown crisp, ending the transmission. Geoff takes a bite.
Geoff: Mmm... tastes a lot like salad if you ask me.
Marie: ...now that ain't right.
(Author's Note: Anti Guy's constant italics and heart emoticons is a reference to his speech pattern in Paper Mario: his text was always wavy and he had hearts show up as dialogue when he talked. And the Street Fighter reference? I maaaaaay be hyped for Ryu being in Smash bros as DLC. Maybe. :3 Now, I'll be working on Popple and Crump, so interviews may be put on hold for a bit. Maybe!)
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