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PostPosted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 3:21 am 
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(Want to get into that Lemmy's Land Spirit? Listen to this while reading: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NOhJUEe6L4)

Geoff: Hey Miserheimer, you're gonna be going up for an interview soon!

Wizenheimer: No, it's Wiz- aw, forget it. No matter how many times I remind people, they get it wrong 87% of the time anyway. But yeah, I'll be right on up there! Have you decided who'll be teaming up with me?

Geoff: No, I haven't actually. HEY SERGEI, LEE, POLLY, MARIE! Get your butts over here NOW!

Sergei, Lee, Polly, and Marie (A Lakitu girl with long red hair and a pink shell) all come over to Geoff.

Sergei: I see you've ordered us all here boss. What seems to be the problem?

Geoff: You see, our new buddy Gizzardheimer is gonna be interviewing a Swoopin' Stu, and he needs someone to help him out!

Sergei: I'm sorry boss, but I'm not much of a talker. I came here to be security.

Geoff: You spoke first, so you're gonna be Dizenheimer's assistant for the day!

Sergei: Oh ****.

Polly: *yawn* Good, I was wanting to catch some more Z's- I mean catch up on our paperwork! Yeah, that's totally it.

Lee: I guess it's my time to take over Security duty!

Marie: Ooh, yeah! I'm gonna go on over and get the ol' cameras rollin'!

As the other three go to their posts, Sergei punches a hole in the wall.

Geoff: Whoa, Sergei! What seems to be roasting your steaks today?

Sergei: I apologize for my outburst, boss. I'm just not the sociable, talkative type. I prefer to haul things around, and of course beat down little babies who try to start fights.

Geoff: Hey look, just ask some questions, and that's all! All ya have to do, okay? And ya know what? It'll be over before ya know it! Now get on out there, sport!

Geoff whips out a remote and presses a button, causing the part of the floor Sergei is standing on to launch him out from behind backstage and onto one of the interviewer armchairs.

Sergei: AGH! That was... actually a bit fun. And I never noticed how comfy these chairs were, interesting.

Wizenheimer however teleports into his seat, stretching his back as Lee ushers in the audience.

Wizenheimer: Well hey there, Sergei! You ready for our interview? Apparantly we're interviewing an Isle Delfino native: Swoopin' Stu!

Sergei: No. I don't like talking to people, I prefer hospitalizing them. But I do love this chair, so I suppose I'll stay for the time being.

Marie: Alright y'all, we're goin' live in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!

Announcer: Coming to you loud and proud from his studio here in Mushroom City, heeeeeere's Geoff! And Sergei and Wizenheimer.

Geoff walks onstage, chomping down on a cigar while the crowd cheers.

Geoff: Well hello hello hello, welcome, I say WELCOME to Geoff's interview show! Our usual secondary host Sam is currently taking himself a lovely, lovely vacation over to Isle Delfino, which happens to be where our interviewee hails from! You know, I wonder how Sam's doing now...

(Meanwhile, Sam can be shown bobbing around the ocean in a barrel, watching as a cruise liner is being pulled under by a humongous Blooper.)

Sam: ...this sucks.

(Back to Mushroom City)

Geoff: Ah well, I'm pretty sure he's having the time of his life! Anyway, today my employees Wizenheimer and Sergei are going to conduct the interview, with ol' Sergei doing this for the first time!

Sergei: I still don't want to be up here, boss.

Geoff: Well guess what? THAT'S TOO BAD! Anyway, let's welcome our guest up to the stage, shall we?

A small purple Swoopin' Stu hops onto the stage while Sergei stares widely at him.

Wizenheimer: So uh, yeah! Ladies and Gentlemen, a rrrrrround of applause for Swoopin' Stu!

Applause can be heard, except for a group of Piantas in the stands who are booing, intimidating the Swoopin' Stu as he rears back in fear.

Wizenheimer: Hey, what's the big idea?

Male Pianta: Those stupid things were everywhere on Isle Delfino whenever that Mario cretin filthied up the place!

Mario: Hey, I thought it was-a common knowledge that Bowser-a Jr. did that!

Female Pinata: Oh sure, YOU may be saying that, but anyone who's guilty of a crime won't admit it, will they?

Mario: You little-!

Lee fires a warning shot into the air as Mario and the female Pianta calm down.

Lee: YOU MAGGOTS BETTER SIMMER DOWN, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE PICKING OUT BULLETS FROM YOUR KEISTERS ALL NIGHT LONG! ARE WE CLEAR?!

Mario and Female Painta: Yes sir!

Wizenheimer: Ahem! Well, how's about we start asking some questions! Sergei, if you will?

Sergei just continues to stare at Swoopin' Stu, his eyes watering with tears.

Wizenheimer: Sergei? You okay there, buddy?

Sergei: Oh, he's so adorable! Hi there little fellow!

Swoopin' Stu: Er... hi?

Sergei: Oh I just want to cuddle you and pet you and play with you and hug you and- AGH!

Wizenheimer zaps Sergei with his wand.

Sergei: Why you little- I kill you for that!

Wizenheimer: Dude, focus!

Sergei: Oh, my bad. He's just sooooo cute!

Wizenherim: Oh lord, I'LL go first then! So, do you guys have any relation to the Strolling Stus and their subspecies that also inhabit Isle Delfino?

Swoopin' Stu: Actually, nope! We're totally unrelated, we just share the Stu parts of our names since Strolling Stus can also spawn from goop.

Wizenheimer: Ah, that clears things up then!

Sergei: Alright... why are you creatures so adorable despite being made of toxic waste?

Wizenheimer: Oh brother...

Swoopin' Stu: Can't really say why! My guess is that we look this way to discourage people from hosing us down!

Sergei: Does it work often? Because I know it would for me!

Swoopin' Stu: Sadly, no. Mario still wiped out a great number of my people during his stay at Isle Delfino.

Sergei: Oh no! Where is he, I kill him for this!

Wizenheimer: Sergei, FOCUS. Anyway Stu, you don't mind if I call you Stu, right?

Swoopin' Stu: Not at all!

Wizenheimer: Okey doke. But anyway, how are your kind formed in the first place?

Swoopin' Stu: Well, E. Gadd's paintbrush had some... odd side effects. You know how the goop could bury structures that were covered in it?

Wizenheimer: Yeah.

Swoopin' Stu: That was another part of it: it could spawn creatures like us and those large Polluted Piranha Plants! I guess those properties are why it's called a “magic brush” in the first place!

Sergei: So what determines the color you little ones spawn in?

Swoopin' Stu: Nothing, really. Though I noticed that blue and green ones seem to spawn more from black goop generators than brown ones.

Wizenheimer: So why were there no Swoopin' Stus spawning from that neon pink/yellow/orange goop generator on the Delfino Airstrip? It only had a Polluted Piranha Plant.

Swoopin' Stu: That particular one was rushed since Shadow Mario didn't put it up until Mario's plane almost arrived, so we weren't able to spawn from it.

Sergei: Oh tell me little one: would you like to come home with me?

Swoopin' Stu: Um... no, sorry. I have you pegged for the affectionate type, and... well, we're easy to pop.

Sergei gives a horrified gasp.

Sergei: You're fragile?!

Swoopin' Stu: Indeed! Anything from falling from a decent height to spraying us with water and everything in between can kill us! But it's also how we reproduce as we leave sludge behind in most circumstances, which in return more Swoopin' Stus can be born from.

Wizenheimer: Alright, I've got one last question and then the audience can have him.

Sergei: Oh no, don't tell me this interview is already almost over?

Wizenheimer: Well yeah, it is. I thought you'd be pleased with this?

Sergei: I want to interview because Stu is a cute creature! So cuddly looking!

Wizenheimer: Oh god... fine, you get one more question, but then it's audience time. Anyway Stu, I noticed that your kind can drop water bottles if Mario jumps on you. Why does this happen only with jumping, and where do the bottles come from?

Swoopin' Stu: Well, we sometimes accidentally pick up items like that whenever we travel around. I'm not entirely sure why they're dropped only when Mario jumps on us as any other method destroys our items, but I guess it's also why Mario gets coins for jumping on some enemies: he has magic shoes.

Wizenheimer: Eh, makes sense to me I guess.

Sergei: Last question time! Swoopin' Stu, were you anywhere in Super Mario Sunshine?

Swoopin' Stu: Nah, I wasn't born during that time. There are still Gpop generators elsewhere on Isle Delfino, but they're usually isolated and underground so we don't bother anyone, I was born from one of those instead!

Sergei: Well alright then, I guess it's time to turn you over to the audience for questions little one! *sniffle*

Wizenehimer: Oh Sergei, don't cry!

Sergei: I'll miss him, he's so adorable!

Wizenehimer: Look Sergei, just suck it up for now and help with the audience questions, okay? You can cry it out later.

Sergei: Okay okay... Seat IMADRAGONAMA.

Rex: So Swoopin' Stu, you got any questions for a real, bonafide dragon?

Wizenheimer: Oh no, you again?! Look, we already went over this once: ask a question about Stu, or shut up!

Rex: Sure, sure. So, how come Swoopin' Stus don't spawn from electric goop? I mean, you guys even spawn from firey goop!

Swoopin' Stu: The electricity for whatever reason won't allow anything to spawn from within them! There's also the fact that we'd pop instantly if we were exposed to electricity while we're okay around fire.

Wizenheimer: Interesting. Seats 2, 3, and 4!

Gourmet Guy So uh... I hear the goop you guys spawn from tastes like candy.

Swoopin' Stu: Yes...?

Gourmet Guy: So, do you taste the same?

Swoopin' Stu: I imagine we would.

Gourmet Guy: Oh boy oh boy, I need to get myself a taste of you!

Gourmet Guy launches himself at Swoopin' Stu, but is effortlessly picked up by Sergei and tossed onto the floor.

Sergei: TOUCH HIM AND YOU DIE.

Gourmet Guy: W-w-w-whoa! N-n-n-no need f-f-for v-v-v-violence there, b-b-big fella!

Sergei: Then get OUT.

Gourmet Guy runs out of the studio crying.

Sergei: And stay out! Anyway, Seat 90! Remember though, even thinking about hurting Stu will get your head opened up by me.

Laser Snifit: So, aren't Swoopin' Stus supposed to explode after a certain period of time?

Swoopin' Stu: Not anymore! The ones Mario fought were early ones who had a poor time staying alive for long periods of time. Thankfully, the ones who could were able to spawn similar sturdy Stus, so we no longer explode after a short amount of time! As you'd guess, I'm one of them!

Wizenheimer: Let's wrap things up now! Seat TEENIETINY!

Punio: Do Swoopin' Stus even eat anything?

Swoopin' Stu: Of course we do! We absorb things like grass and trash simply by slithering over them!

Wizenheimer: Well, that's it then! Swoopin' Stu, it's been nice having you over little guy! And it's been even better having you guys over as well! Take care of yourselves, you lovely people you!

The audience gets up and leaves while Sergei looks down at Swoopin' Stu with tears streaming down his face.

Sergei: *sniffle* Well, I guess this means goodbye.

Swoopin' Stu: Yeah, it does. It's been nice talking to you though!

Sergei: *sniffle* Well then... take care of yourself little one! I'll miss you!

Sergei runs off crying into his big, beefy hands.

Geoff: Aw man, what a big old sap! I gotta admire his warm heart though, the big lug has always had a soft spot for small adorable things like you!

Swoopin' Stu: I could tell! You know, I feel a little bad for the guy.

Geoff: Aw man, at least you're leaving here alive! Whenever his pet Lil' Oink died a few months ago, he locked himself away and cried for weeks!

Swoopin' Stu: Aw man, that sounds pretty sad... you know, I wouldn't mind hanging around here if only to give Sergei some company!

Geoff: Nope, sorry there hoss. I've got no free spots on my interview team anymore, you've gotta skedaddle for now! Plus, you'll trail goop everywhere!

Swoopin' Stu: Oh well. It's been nice talking with you, Wizenheimer! You have a good evening now!

Wizenheimer: You too, little dude! You too!

He looks up and notices that Marie's camera is still running.

Wizenheimer: Whoa Marie, you left it running the entire time!

Marie: Well golly, I suppose I did! Real sorry, y'all!

Marie shuts off the camera, ending the transmission.

(Author's Note: So yeah, Sergei the Boom Boom! I don't know why, but the thought of a tough Russian Boom Boom with a soft spot for cute things really appealed to me. I did kind of dial back on his broken English from the earlier interview, didn't want to make him too stereotypical! He speaks better now, but sometimes slips into broken English such as his “I kill you!” moments. He's going to be a lot of fun to write for, I'm sure! I also hope the IMADRAGONAMA running gag doesn't get too stale, I'll retire it like I did with Wizenheimer's name gag when it outlives it's welcome.)


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