A Royal Talk with Bowser
Bowser slowly rises out of bed and yawns.
Bowser: Ahhh! How long has it been since I last captured the Princess?
Bowser decides to go back to bed, but soon enough, a Koopa Troopa rushes to Bowser's side, holding a cup of coffee.
Koopa Troopa: Which princess, your royal Koopaness?
The Koopa King wakes up again.
Bowser: WHAT KIND OF MUTINY IS THIS-- Ack! My morning coffee! Uhh...
K.T.: Get busy!
Bowser: It's Princess Peach, OK! I just want to kidnap her for old times' sake! Why can't you remember these things, you stupid kook!?
K.T.: Two. Years! It's been two years!
Bowser: Koopa Troopa #25,738!
K.T.: Ahem! (hesitates) Months, sir.
Bowser: Thank you! (grabs cup away from K.T.) I oughta do something about it.
K.T.: Maybe get some of your Koopalings to help you with your kidnapping? Maybe you can use Bowser Jr., he's been good lately.
Bowser: I've disowned all my non-beared children that you, and your other brethren call ''Koopalings''. Maybe I got a little crazy one day and took a hypnotizer ray to the head, and I ended up with all these brats. I don't know them well at all.
K.T.: Yet they still work with you, sir?
Bowser: They won't leave! (starts drinking coffee)
K.T.: What of Bowser Jr., though?
Bowser stops drinking to tell him his plan.
Bowser: Yeah... YES! I can transform him jnto a human, you see, so he can distract the Princess with his looks and character! Then... (he snickers)
K.T.: You'll kidnap her?
Bowser: Let me finish! I'll get him to punch you out into submission so you can stop asking questions and so you can get with the program and... (Bowser is stuck with his words.) stop asking questions, dude!
K.T.: You are a sad, uninspired, uncool excuse for a Koopa King.
Bowser: It's summer. Air conditioners are banned in Dark Land.
The Troopa sniffs the air and holds his nose.
K.T.: Augh! You smell. Was the last time you took a shower two years ago also?
Bowser rises up from bed.
Bowser: That's it. Lemme see your ideas, or I'll fire you.
K.T.: I've got nothing, I'm just a lowly-paid servant with an I.Q. of 130, sir.
Bowser: You're fired!
K.T.: Sorry, your Koopaness.
Bowser: You're re-hired!
K.T.: (excitedly) Oh, joy!
Bowser finishes his coffee and throws the cup to the floor, smashing it. K.T. winces.
Bowser: Now, all I have to do is tell Ludwig to come up with something else to go along with my plan.
K.T.: You haven't thought it out thoroughly, sir?
Bowser: I just woke up. (walks out of his bedroom, drinking coffee) Mario will be so surprised...
K.T.: This is my life!
Well, Bowser tried at least. And with the help of everyone in his army, he finally accomplished the one thing he didn't have on his mind -- winding up homeless in a dumpster in Wyoming.
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