(Not So) Super Paper Mario
By P.T. Piranha
CHAPTER 1: LINELAND
A dark room with odd decorations and grated platforms housed four people. One was Count Bleck, the other was Nastasia. One was a purple and yellow jester, and the last was a big creature in black and red.
Jester: Hee, hee! No one knows my secret!
Bleck: Dimentio! Stop foreshadowing!
Dimentio: I am sorry as much as how much margarine is healthier than butter!
Big Creature: Wouldn't that be zero?
Dimentio: Hmm? ... I do believe you are correct, "O'Chunks". (That's technically still true. I'm not sorry.)
Bleck: Anyway, once Count Bleck destroys all the worlds, he and co. will make a new one. And we'll all make it one spiral-swirly cluster mess like that first season of Digimon! Count Bleck will get the dark areas, Mimi gets the ocean since she owns a house there, Nastasia will get the cities because they have corporate offices... Dimentio and O'Chunks will just have to share the forest.
At that moment, a second O'Chunks dropped in.
Another O'Chunks: Sorry eh'm let, Coun- AAH! 'Ow did I beat me'self here? Oh, wet. I'ss just Mimi.
The first O'Chunks turns into Bleck.
Mimi as Bleck: O'Chunks, you are late to Count Bleck's meeting... again!
O'Chunks: It's rude to imitate the Count!
Mimi as a slice of cake: Getting me to stop is no piece of cake!
Dimentio: But is the cake not a-
O'Chunks: 'At joke's older than me granny!
Bleck: ENOUGH! COUNT BLECK IS GOING TO SEND TWO OF YOU TO LINELAND TO MAKE SURE THE CHOSEN ONE DIES! Hmm...
Bleck covers his eyes, and throws two darts.
Dimentio and O'Chunks: Ow!
He uncovers his eyes.
Bleck: So Dimentio and O'Chunks will go.
1-1: A Flippin' Awesome New Power!
Mario and Tippi emerge from the other side of the red door. They are in a peaceful, grassy realm with blocky trees and math problems for clouds.
Tippi: Okay! The smelly guy should be as far right as we can go. So let's go!
Mario meets up with a Goomba.
Goomba: LOVE ME!
Mario kicks the Goomba away, and finds a house. Inside, he's at a dead end.
Tippi: Wait, there's an invisible door. I'll make it visible.
Tippi: ... I don't know.
The door becomes visible. Mario opens it, and a horrible stench comes out. But the brave Mario goes in anyway.
Bestovius: What do you want?
Mario: Can you- (Oh my!) help me- (Hasn't this guy ever heard of deodorant?!) flip?
Bestovius raises his arms in anger, and Mario nearly chokes.
Bestovius: THERE MAY BE CHILDREN READING!
Mario: (I'm gonna hurl.) I mean into- *almost throws up* 3D.
Bestovius: Oh. FLIPPOW!
He punches Mario in the nose, and Mario falls back, unconscious. Mario wakes up a few hours later.
Mario: Ow! (THE STINK! IT BURNS!) Why did you do that?!
Bestovius: Because. Now you can flip into 3D!
Mario: Okay. Bye, stinky!
Mario is seen walking away from his house, and eventually the house burns down due to the stench. Bestovius is seen standing (floating in his cloud) in the middle of the rubble.
Bestovius: Hmm... Maybe it wouldn't hurt me to take a bath at least once...
Mario enters the door, and is in a new area.
Tippi: Mario, we seem to be approaching Mt. Lineland! We're getting closer!
Mario: Good for you.
Mario keeps going, and then hits a Star Block.
Mario: ... What just happened?
Tippi: This is the end of the area. The power in the block will help show us what path to take from here!
Mario: ... So do we just cut to black or-
1-2: Seeing Red, Feeling Green
Mario and Tippi are seen in a mountain area.
Mario: How'd we get here?
Tippi: The Star Block.
Mario: But how did-
Tippi: I think Yold Town is at the top of this mountain, so we can probably get some advice there!
Mario: ... I don't like this dimension.
Mario continues, and soon runs into a canyon.
Tippi: Maybe we should go to that house in the background.
Mario: No, I think I can jump it.
Mario tries, and falls to his doom. However, he had a Life Shroom.
In the house, they see that a 3D person who resembles Mario is freaking out.
Red: Help me!
Red: Into 3D!
Mario does that, and actually sees Red.
Red: Now flip back!
Mario does a back flip.
He flips back into 2D.
Red: Happies! Now I'll make your bridge.
Mario is now holding a tiny bridge made of toothpicks.
Mario: ... Thank you? Can you make the real bridge now?
Red: Oh all right.
Red pulls a lever, forming a modest bridge over the canyon, leading into town.
Red: Now, what's better? Red or green?
Mario: Well, I've been identified with red a lot in the Mario and Luigi series, so I'll pick green for the sake of modesty.
Red tries to kill Mario, but Mario thinks quickly and snaps his spear in half, then runs off to Yold Town. There, he was greeted by a floating creature that vaguely resembled a hand.
Thoreau: Hi! I'm a Pixl! Just like the one you have, only not quite. She looks different from all the ones I've seen.
Tippi: Weren't you supposed to be in a box?
Thoreau: Oh, I got out. Let me join you! I can let you grab and throw things!
Mario: Do I look like a moron to you? I can do that myself!
Thoreau explodes, prompting an old man to run out of his house and up to Mario.
Watchitt: Watch it! The explosion nearly set my house on fire!
Mario: Can you let Green make the bridge, even though I shouldn't know to ask you?
Watchitt: Do you have a hand-shaped Pixl?
Mario: Oh... He exploded.
Watchitt: You're gonna have to watch it from now on. If you make things explode, you can't move on! Good day.
Mario then goes to Green's house, and pulls the lever for Green.
Green: You can't do that! Now you must answer this. Which is better?
Mario: Well, I picked green last time, so I'll pick red this time.
Red comes in.
Red: Ha ha! He didn't pick the choice you wanted!
Mario grabs Red and puts him in the way, so he gets stabbed instead. Green falls to his nonexistent knees.
Green: Red... No Red I didn't mean it, I'm sorry! Red! REEEEEEED!
And it was the grimmest day Yold Town had ever experienced.
Red: Actually I already had a hole there, covered by my shirt.
Mario: ... Why? Wait, don't answer that. I'm just gonna go.
Mario runs across the bridge to hit the Star Block.
1-3: Just Deserts
Mario is in Yold Desert.
Mario: How'd we get here?
Tippi: If you paid attention to the text between this and 1-2, you'd know. You know Mario, your behavior in Yold Town wasn't heroic at all!
Mario: Hey do you know how many games and fun fictions I've been in already?
Tippi: But still, I'm an information Pixl! If I say something, it's probably right! I'm very knowledgeable!
Mario comes up to a red tree.
Mario: Why are the leaves red? Do you know that?
Tippi: Some crazy guy dipped the leaves into a bucket of red paint.
Mario: Oh yeah? Well... uh... what's-
Tippi: Five to the 2,333,338th power.
Mario: You do know everything! Okay.
Tippi: And you should jump ten times under it.
He does, and a door appears.
Mario: How do you know this stuff?
Tippi: I don't know. But I knew I wouldn't know something eventually. So it balances out.
They enter, and soon meet O'Chunks after proceeding regularly.
O'Chunks: Eh! Now Eh've found ye! Eh'm gonna grab ye and throw ye across teh room. Though, technically, we're not in eh room. More like en ohpen area of eh desert. Now ye face teh wrath o' ol' O'Chunks, and you'll wish ye wee-li'le perints never met each other!
Mario: ... Can you just tell me in English?
O'Chunks: Basically, I'll kill ye. Now die, Maria!
Mario: How'd you know my not-name?
O'Chunks charges at Mario, grabs him, and throws him around. He does a victory dance and raises his hands in the air.
Tippi: You almost smell as bad as that Flip Wizard, man!
Mario gets up, and grabs O'Chunks's outreaching hands, and flips him over.
Mario: I took self-defense! So there!
O'Chunks tries to get up, but Mario attacks all his pressure points.
O'Chunks: Aiiie! WHAT BE THAT, O'ER THERE?
O'Chunks grabs Mario and slams him into the ground.
Mario activates a Fire Burst card and O'Chunks catches on fire.
He runs into the door that leads out of the area and then falls to the ground.
O'Chunks: Eh. What do ye say we call it eh tie?
Mario: But I clearly won!
O'Chunks: CHUNKS AWAY!
O'Chunks jumps up, and farts himself into the air.
Mario and Tippi: ...
Tippi: By the way, where'd you get that card?
Mario: I dunno. ... Wait, so there's another thing you don't know?
Tippi: No it's- Well- You see- Shut up.
Mario smiles to himself smugly, and Tippi is irritated.
They continue (with gas masks) and approach a temple. On the altar Mario presses 1 and - on his Wiimote.
Tippi: How'd you already know to do that?
Mario: What's this? Something else you don't know, eh?
Mario then hits a Star Block.
1-4: Welcome to McYold's
Mario is inside Yold Ruins, and finds out...
Mario: It's a restaurant?!
Indeed, Mario finds himself inside a fast food joint, catering to Spiky Tromps, Goombas, Squigs, and even normal Yold townspeople. O'Chunks too.
O'Chunks: Eh, just thought I'd grab a wee bite before I leave. ... Please don't tell the Count.
Mario walks up to the cashier.
Mario: I demand to know where the Pure Heart is!
Cashier: Ya gotta order something first.
Mario: Okay, I'll take the Yoldburger, some Lineland Fries, a Yolden Apple Pie, a Flippy Meal for the Pixl... and a rootbeer. Now tell me!
Cashier: Out back.
Mario: Thanks. You can send me my food in the mail.
Mario continues and finds 4 red blocks. Mario hits them in order, from left to right, and it doesn't work.
Tippi: Perhaps you should flip.
Mario: I don't know why that'll work, but fine.
Mario flips, and sees what order to hit them in.
Mario: Man, Tippi! I told you I had to flip! But you said it wouldn't work! Gosh!
Tippi: ... I don't like you.
Mario hits them in the right order, and goes up the new stairs. He soon finds his way to an open desert. Then, a dragon comes out! It looks like Fracktail but with a toga, sunglasses, and wearing a lampshade over his antennae.
Dragon: WOO! PARTY!
Tippi: It must be Fracktail!
Dragon: No, my name is Frattail! Par-tay! Are you ready to party, butterfly?
Tippi: We don't have time for this.
Frattail: Are you ready to party, Mario?
Mario: I'm ready to party, are you ready to party, Frattail?
Dimentio shows up.
Frattail: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Dimentio?
Dimentio: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Frattail?
Frattail: I'm ready to party!
Mario: I'm ready to party! Are you ready to party, Dimentio?
Dimentio: I'm ready to party! Are you-
Tippi: SHUT UP!
Dimentio: Killjoy. Now to corrupt Fracktail!
Frattail: Fracktail is at the dentist's. I'm Frattail. I'm from Pi House!
Mario: Isn't that just a pie franchise?
Frattail: ... Oh.
Dimentio: Well, then I'll do this.
He opens Frattail's head, and rewires the circuits.
Mario: Weren't you just supposed to hypnotize him?
Dimentio: ... Maybe. Ciao!
Mario: Hey! I'm the Italian one here, bub!
BOSS: CORRUPTED COMPUTER CREATURE- FRATTAIL
Frattail spoke again, but his voice was now devoid of any emotion.
Frattail: AL-LOW ME TO PARTY... ON YOUR GRAVE!
Mario: ... Quick!
Mario pulls out his Wii-Mote and points it at Fracktail.
Mario: Tell me about him!
Tippi: He's Frattail. This robot dragon seems to be related to Fracktail somehow, and likes to party... Max HP: ??. Dimentio hypnotized him, but he didn't bother to do anything about that antenna, which seems to be the weak point... You should throw the Frattles on its back at the antenna... If only you could get rid of the lampshade.
Mario: Shouldn't they be Frackles, not Frattles?
Tippi: Only on Fracktail.
Frattail approaches from the right, but Mario flips and jumps onto his back. In the air, Mario approaches the antenna. He jumps up, picks up the lampshade, and throws it into the distance. Mario tries to throw a Frattle, but Mario's aim is always off.
Tippi: How in all the worlds did you ever manage to throw Bowser into the bombs in Super Mario 64 if you have such terrible aim?
Mario: Maybe I'll just do this.
He stacks up all the Frattles, climbs the stack, throws off the lampshade, and jumps on the antenna until Frattail dies.
Frattail: DOES NOT COMPUTE. MUST PARTY-
Frattail explodes. Mario lands on the ground after the explosion.
Mario: Ow! That hurt!
Tippi: You're exaggerating.
Mario: I'm sorry, I forgot I could just use my Pixl wings to fly down!
Tippi: Suck it up.
Frattail's lampshade floats down onto Tippi, pushing her onto the sand.
Mario: Ha! ... Oh hey, a door.
Mario enters a door and finds himself in a different room. A ghost greets him.
Merlumina: You want the Orange Pure Heart?
Merlumina: Too bad.
Mario: Why can't I have it?
Merlumina: Because! This heart is the only one who'll listen to me!
Mario: Huh? I wasn't listening.
Merlumina: I wrote the Light Prog-
Mario: Don't care.
Merlumina: Why you little! I'm going to haunt you in your sleep for this!
Mario: Did you say something?
Merlumina: Narrator! Tell him to listen!
What? I wasn't paying attention.
Merlumina: ... Fine! Take the stupid heart!
Mario: Pure Heart.
Merlumina: So now you listen?
The spirit leaves, and Tippi returns.
Voice: YOU GOT A PURE HEART!
Mario: ... Who said that?
Voice: UH, NO ONE.
END OF CHAPTER...S!
Meanwhile, at Castle Bleck...
Nastasia: Hi, Count. O'Chunks failed. Dimentio too, I guess.
Dimentio: Count, can I have some money to go to the store?
Bleck: After you've failed Count Bleck? No! Nastasia will make O'Chunks pay for his failure.
Nastasia: What about Dimentio?
Bleck: He's Dimentio, that's punishment enough.
Dimentio: ... I'm right here.
Dimentio: ... Well played.
Bleck: Meanwhile, Count Bleck shall send Mimi to Gloam Valley, since her day job is there!
Princess Peach wakes up on a dark balcony. An average Koopa and Hammer Bro. approach her.
Private Koopa: Hi, Queen Koopa!
Hammer Bro: You married Bowser remember?
Peach: That doesn't count! It was just for the sake of Count Bleck's plan.
Private Koopa: Oh.
Hammer Bro: I'll scout ahead, while you guys sneak out.
Private Koopa: No! I don't wanna!
Hammer Bro: Yes!
Hammer Bro hammers PK through the wall, and into the room with Nastasia.
Nastasia: Umm, join us, K?
PK: L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
Nastasia: ... Riiiight. *adjusts glasses*
There is a flash, but nothing changes.
Nastasia: K, that should've worked.
She then takes takes off her glasses.
Nastasia: Oh, I just had it set to "Camera". There we go... "Brainwash". Take two.
Hammer Bro comes down.
Hammer Bro: Wait! Private Koopa forgot to give me my money!
He gets brainwashed, alongside Private Koopa.
Peach: This place is just as weird as back home.
Peach is then teleported to the top of Flipside Tower.
Peach: Ah. What a pleasant setting.
Random Psycho: COOKIES!
He pushes Peach off the edge.
Peach: Curse yoooooooou!
What happened to Luigi and Bowser? What was Dimentio's secret? What is Mimi's true form? Will Bestovius learn the meaning of deodorant? Will Thoreau return to life? What will Green do now that he killed Red? Will O'Chunks stop eating beans? Why is Yold Ruins suddenly McYold's? Will Mario ever be reunited with his food? Will Frattail be revived? Will Fracktail return from the dentist? Will anyone listen to Merlumina? Will Dimentio keep getting served? Will Hammer Bro get his money? What will happen to Peach? Tune in next time!
Producer: That was too long! For that, I'm docking your pay!
To be continued.
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