(Not So) Super Paper Mario

By P.T. Piranha

Prologue: Wed-Dingbats

Mario and Luigi are in their house.

Luigi: Gee, it sure is boring around here-

Mario: Mah boi, this... joke is too old.

Luigi: I'm bored. Want to go visit Peach's Castle?

Mario nods and they both get up to step outside. Unfortunately, Luigi left the bathwater running, but that's a story for another day. They head outside, and see Toad freaking out.

Luigi: Toad! What's wrong?

Toad: I forgot to switch to Geico! Plus, my Mom kicked me out and told me to "get my own house", and gas prices are going up! ... Oh, and Princess Peach has been taken again.

Luigi: Who could've done this?

Toad: Who do you think, moron?

Luigi: I know! That bad guy, Bowser! We'll have to go follow him! Let's go, Mario!

Mario: Wait, how come you're suddenly in charge?!

Luigi: Because I'm not the silent character. Now be silent!

Mario: No.

Luigi: Aw, okay...


They head off to Bowser's. There, Bowser is giving a speech to his minions.

Bowser: ...And that's where babies are from!

Minions: 0_0

Bowser: Yes, you in the back!

Goomba: Then what was the stork in the Yoshi's Island series for?

Bowser: Uh... go ask someone else! Any other questions? Yes, you with the green arm!

Luigi: Where's the princess?

Bowser: You idiot, we haven't invaded the Mushroom Kingdom yet! We still have to go there, first! ... Wait a minute... I just realized something... I FORGOT TO SWITCH TO GEICO! AAHHH!!! ... Wait no, that's Toad's problem... So if that's not it... MARIO and LUIGI ARE HERE! AAHHH!!!

Kamek: (Moron.)

Bowser walks up to the Bros.

Bowser: What do you want? And have you seen Kammy anywhere? Or maybe my son?

Luigi: Don't play dumb with us, and no.

Mario: Where are you keeping the princess?!

Bowser: Well, when she gets here I'm thinking the newly refurbished dungeon if not the- WAIT, I STILL HAVE TO KIDNAP HER IN THE FIRST PLACE! Outta my way!

Peach appears in an odd box. And a cloaked figure appears.

Figure: Bleh-heh-heh-heh BLECK! I am Count Bleck!

Bowser: What's a count?

Kamek: I'll tell you when you're older.

Peach: Mario! Luigi! Help me! ... Again.

Mario tries to jump on Count Bleck, but he blocks himself with a shield, knocking Mario out.

Count Bleck: Bleh-heh-heh-heh Bleck! Count Bleck would like Bowser to come with him, said Count Bleck.

Bowser: We already have a narrator, so stop narrating.

Bleck: Sorry. Now... TO THE WEDDING!

Bleck draws everyone except Mario's body into a vortex.


Peach wakes up elsewhere to find that she and Bowser are apparently getting married!

Peach: ... Oh crud.

Bowser: Peach! Come on! This is our wedding! Cheer up!

Bleck: Yes, do be more like Bowser over there. Anyway, Bowser? Do you take Peach-

Bowser: YES!

Bleck: ... That was easier than Count Bleck thought. Peach, do-

Peach: No!

Bowser: Come on, after everything I did for you in Bowser's Inside Story?

Peach: That game hasn't even come out yet in this story!

Peach gets hypnotized.

Nastasia: We're real busy, and I'm already behind on my agenda of sounding like Bill Lumbergh, so just say "I do", K?

Peach: I do, K?

Nastasia: Riiiiiiiiiight... You weren't supposed to add the K and say it like a question, so try again, K?

Peach: Riiiiiiiiiight... You weren't supposed to add the K and say it like a question, so try again, K?

Bleck: ... Count Bleck will just take that as a yes. Count Bleck now pronounces you, Koopa and wife!

Bowser: Finally!

Luigi wakes up, surrounded by Bowser's minions.

Minions: *random conversations and cheers*

Luigi: What's going on?

Suddenly, the Chaos Heart comes out of the thing in the middle.

Bleck: Bleh-heh...


A man in an overcoat and sunglasses appears behind Luigi.

Man: Wow, if this is the wedding, I can't wait to see the reception!

Luigi: How'd you get here? You weren't at the castle... Wait, who even are you?

P.T.: Oh, I got an invitation email for this. ... Oh and I'm P.T.

Luigi: Now to prove that I can save Peach without Mario!

Luigi jumps towards the altar to try to stop them.

P.T.: Bring me some cake!

Meanwhile Luigi's headed for the Chaos Heart.

Luigi: (in slow motion) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Nastasia: (normally) Um, he's taking too long in getting over here, so we'll just finish this thing up, K?

Peach: Um, he's taking too long in gett-

Nastasia: Knock it off!

Bleck: Finish? Good call.

Nastasia throws a heavy book at Luigi, knocking him out.

Luigi: D'oh!

Bleck: Count Bleck requests a scene change! Oh and... VOID! COME!


Mario wakes up because of a voice. He's still in Bowser's Castle.

Butterfly Thing: Hi, I'm Tippi. Come with me, Mario.

Mario: No, I don't think I will...

Tippi: Do it, or I'll play the Bongos of Doom!

Mario: So where are we going? ... Wait, you'll do what?

Tippi: Flipside! It's in another dimension! And never you mind about the bongos.

Mario: What? No one mentioned an ascension to another dimension.

Tippi: Well, I don't want to bring any tension to this lack of mention of an ascension to another dimension, for you might bring attention.

Mario: Oh, I'm putting an intervention and creating prevention to this ascension to another dimension that had no mention that can bring tension and attention-

Kamek: SHUT UP! Wait, I'm not supposed to still be here...

Kamek leaves.

Mario and Tippi: ...

Tippi teleports Mario to Flipside, specifically the top of Flipside Tower.


Mario: Whoa.

Merlon: Hi, Merlon.

Merlon: Tippi, you were only gone for five minutes. There's no need to say hi.

Tippi: Whatever. Is this the Chosen One you were talking about?

Merlon: Yes. Mario, take this red Pure Heart and put it in the pillar on the third floor of Flipside! That's one story below.

He throws a red, swirly heart at Mario.

Mario: Ow. I hate you already.

Merlon: Sorry.

Mario: To the third floor!

Mario jumps off the edge and lands on the Heart Pillar.

Merlon: He could've just taken the elevator... Tippi go follow him.

When she gets down, she sees that Mario already put it in.

Mario: What kind of pillar was that, anyway?! It was more like a rectangle!

They go back to the top and find a red door.

Merlon: Mario, that leads to Lineland. That's where the orange Pure Heart is.

Mario: I'm guessing that these hearts are all the colors of the rainbow, except for the last one?

Merlon: Yep! In Lineland, you'll find the Flip Wizard, Bestovius. He's smelly. But he should provide you with the flipping ability. Anyway, go. And take this Return...

He sees that Mario and Tippi already entered the red door.

Merlon: ... Pipe...

To be continued.

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