Koffee Beans

By Green Lakitu

Chapter 3: He Who Koops and Drives Away...

We see Kep exiting the taxi, but failing to get the wood out of it.

Kep: "Hey, how did I get this wood in, if I can't get it out now?"

Taxi Toad: "Huh, that's weird. It's not like this completely Mushroom Kingdom-authorized taxi's doors can shrink in width. You'd better leave that precious Pink Berry Tree wood with me for safe keeping."

The taxi driver adjusts his mask, a long, thin nose being seen for a split-second.

Kep: "But it's for my-"

Taxi Toad: "Too bad. Exiting time."

The cab driver Toad's long arm shoves Kep out the door without the wood, then he slams the door and drives off.

Kep: "Oh well, at least I can get some more wood from the beautiful flora of Dark Land!"

Kep strolls through Dark Land's dilapidated path to Bowser's Keep. He knocks on the red double doors to the castle. The doors open, revealing a Koopatrol.

Koopatrol: "Dark Land ID, please."

Kep: "I've actually came to apply for one of those! Where can I get one?"

Koopatrol: "Follow me."

The Koopatrol leads Kep to a dark hall lined with torches. Two small chairs, a desk, and a throne bearing Bowser's insignia can be seen at the far side.

Koopatrol: "Sit here. His Majesty will be here soon."

After a while, a familiar face can be seen, bizarrely having a much smaller body wearing robes.

Bowser: "It is I, Bowser the King of Koopas! State your business!"

Koopatrol: "Your H-"

Kep: "Bowser?!? Is that really you? I've heard so much about you at college! I've heard you're a really bad ruler! Do you really pay your troops 10 coins a year? Do you really demean your children's sense of self-worth? Do you really have a shrine to Princess Peach in your roo-"

"Bowser" takes his paper-mâché "head" off, revealing the Magikoopa Kamek.

Kamek: "One, he totally does, two, it's actually those brats who demean my self-worth, and three, the Koopa Kingdom's official stance is that King Koopa does not have a sample of Princess Toadstool's favorite perfume and a lock of her hair in his room. What can I get you, O mighty college graduate? A Goomnut Burger with an extra large Fuzzy Fries and a small diet water?"

Kep: "I'd like to join the Koopa Troop! I'm ready to get rich and fulfill my destiny of making a smoothie shop!"

Kamek: "Um... we have a spot between two cement blocks in World 6-3 on Chocolate Island."

Kep: "Chocolate Island? Do they have flowing chocolate rivers? That's a great idea! I'll cater for a house boat!"

Kamek: "...there aren't any boats on Chocolate-"

Kep: "And I know what our jaunty sea shanty will be too!
When you need tea or juice
You can count on Kep's Kaboose
Peachy Keen or Blue Blueberry
All our flavors are real merry
When you need something to make you smile
Come and grab a drink a while
Hangin' in the summer sun-"

Kamek: "Enough! Do you want the job?"

Kep: "My smoothie lies over the ocean, my smoothie lies over the sea! My smoothie fell over the railing, so I'll get another for me!"

Kamek: "I SAID-"

Kep: "Do you see what I see? Do you see what I see? A Kep's Kaboose, ready to serve me, will I get a coffee or smoothie?"

Kamek: "STOP SING-"

Kep: "A Yoshi walked up to a Kep's Kaboose, he said to the Koopa-"


Kep: "Aw, come on! I go to college just to get put in prison for the length of my life already?!?"

Kamek: "Wait, did you say college? As in a college degree?"

Kep: "Beverage Study, Bachelor's."

Kamek: "I've been looking everywhere for one of those! If you'll just sign this 30-year contract..."

Just then, the cab driver - or shall we say Waluigi in the clothes of a cab driver, now that his fake mushroom cap had fallen off, crashed through the wall, holding the Pink Berry Tree wood. He was trailed by a Mushroom Kingdom Toad cop.

Kamek: "Ah, a new recruit to the Koopa Troop? Let me tell you all about our fantastic travel opportunities!"

Kamek takes Waluigi aside as the cop comes up to Kep.

Cop Toad: "Did I just hear you say you had a Bachelor's degree in Beverage Study?"

Kep: "Of course! Smoothies, tea, coffee, you name it!"

Cop Toad: "Coffee, eh? How about we get back to the Mushroom Kingdom and discuss potential employment in law enforcement?"

Kep: "If it means a free ride, sure!"


Back at the Mushroom Kingdom police station, Kep can be seen standing next to a small coffee maker. A badge pinned to the underside of his shell reads "Mushroom Kingdom Police Dept. Coffee Maker". The coffee machine shudders and shuts down.

Kep: "Man, I guess it goes to show that college can make all your dreams come true!"


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